How to Speak Love Languages Authentically

March 23, 2020

Speaking Love Languages Authentically | Best Life Book Club by Happy As Annie discusses The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman

Back in college, my girlfriends and I read Why Men Love Bitches and it changed my life forever.

I know, I know. Is there anything ruder than discussing another book at our final book club meeting for Gary Chapman’s The 5 Love Languages? But it has to do with speaking love languages authentically. So just humor me.

The love languages can be used for manipulation.

From the very start of the book, Chapman insists that love is not about getting something you want–it’s about your partner’s happiness. And toward the end of the book, he warns us again that we shouldn’t use the love languages to manipulate our partners. After all, Chapman is trying to teach us how to speak love languages authentically.

Real love isn’t about flattering our way into a mowed lawn and vacuumed living room. And it’s not about bribing or seducing our way into a new Audi.

But Why Men Love Bitches was kind of totally about that! And let me tell you something yall, that book worked!

To be fair, that book will give any desperate and pathetic doormat of a girlfriend a much needed wake up call. And I will forever be mortified and thankful to its author for that lesson.

But it placed little value on how to speak love languages authentically. Instead, it read like a fool-proof play-by-play for wrapping dumb college boys around my finger for awhile. But of course, those relationships (and I use that term loosely) never lasted long and were totally dysfunctional when they did.

But real love can only exist when we are being our authentic selves.

Why were they dysfunctional? Because relationships don’t work when we are not being our authentic selves. We need to be open with our partners and open and loving to ourselves as well.

But don’t take my word for it.

And now, a BONUS VIDEO from a relationship expert!

To celebrate our completion of The 5 Love Languages, we have a special guest video post by Los Angeles-based licensed marriage and family therapist Nansi Manokian.

In this brief video, Nansi talks about the importance of being your authentic self with your partner and how cultivating self-love is the key to any healthy and authentic relationship.

 

Feel free to leave her (or the rest of us) your questions and comments below. You can also get more of Nansi’s calm and loving guidance over on Instagram @familycounselingandguidance.

3 Comments

  • Reply Catie March 25, 2020 at 3:24 am

    I loved the video with all of the tips! I think that being able to love your partner effectively is a direct reflection of how well you love yourself. I have done a lot of personal growth work over the last year, and I do have to say that my relationship has seemed to improve because of it. There are still disagreements and some stressful situations that have to be dealt with when the one person isn’t on the same page as the other, but I feel that I overall do a better job at seeing the other side of things when in those tricky spots. My husband is not into self growth and goals, so that makes it very discouraging at times. However, reading these books has helped me to learn that by changing myself, I can be a good influence to him and that he is internalizing some of my characteristics in his own way. Thank you for this post!

    • Reply HappyAsAnnie March 29, 2020 at 2:05 pm

      Catie, I’m so glad you liked the video! Nansi is so knowledgable and so practical with her advice.

      I used to be skeptical about the whole “self-love first” idea but it is absolutely true. If we want our relationship to be a healthy and happy one, we have to show up as our best selves and go from there.

      I also saw on Instagram that you got Big Magic and are ready to go for April! Yay! 🙂

  • Reply Nansi Manokian March 28, 2020 at 11:04 pm

    Hi Catie,
    Thank you for your feedback. It’s so wonderful to hear that you have done a lot of personal growth. I really respect that and admire that. We can never learn enough and there is always room to keep growing wiser, stronger and happier. No relationship is perfect and as we grow together life always surprises us with challenges, but having the right kind of support during those difficult times is really important. Thank you again for sharing your thoughts.

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